A Brief History of Samoan PowerA statement of Samoan Power values:
"Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do..." Steven P. Johnson, junior member of Samoan Power, upon the question of boning a fat chick.
I believe the great Dan Saleaumua, elder statesman and creator of Samoan Power, best summed up the values of his organization while delivering the 1997 commencement address at Harvard University.
"Samoan Power say: Eat Monster Thickburger. Chug cottage cheese. Take huge dump."
These words, now emblazoned upon the school crest, are the core of the philosophy behind Samoan Power.
Samoan Power is dedicated to pushing the utter limits of both the human soul and the human waistline. Every day is a new opportunity to excel in all the all important things in life: Eating, taking huge dumps and farting so violently that persons and objects are literally 'blown away'... Nothing is impossible when one sets his mind, spirit and ass to it.
Upon the origins of Samoan Power:"Saleaumua giveth and Saleaumua taketh away... But he mostly taketh away." Dave Krieg, former Seattle Seahawks quarterback and moist grease spot after a particularly nasty Saleaumua sack.
Samoan Power, as an organization, was born with it's founder, Dan Saleaumua, on November 11, 1964. From an early age, Dan knew that he was unlike most other boys. By the age of 3 he weighed 157 lbs. and could run a 40 yard dash in under 5 seconds. While his proud parents knew that Dan was destined for great things, many of the neighborhood children were wary of this man child lurking in their mists.
They feared not only his girth and amazing athletic prowess, but also his ability to literally blow objects away. Through practice and training the young Saleaumua honed his skills to such a degree that he could evaporate most anything at his will.
Dan, though, would quickly win his peers hearts and minds. His main asset in winning friends was his love of a good prank. He would fondly remember the occasions when his kindergarten teacher, Ms. Thisly, a "bony bitch of a waif," would bend over to pick up a piece of chalk. Young Saleaumua, much to the amusement of the class, would proceed to fart as audibly as possible.
When Ms. Thisly confronted young Dan on this grievous infraction he did the only thing he knew how to do; He blew her away. This event would make him a hero amongst his peers.
The First Member:"[Silence, heavy breathing]" Maa Tanavasa, chief enforcer of Samoan Power
Dan was very popular throughout school, being a jovial fat son of a bitch. He would befriend most everyone he met. The few enemies he did have managed to oddly disappear much to the chagrin of school administrators, the local police department and the FBI.
There was one boy, however, that Dan had yet to reach out to. Three grades below Dan, a boy named Maa Tanavasa was sullenly making his way through school. Maa was a quiet child who spent his time and energies towards the only fields he excelled at: Recess and lunch. Maa could frequently be found near the snack machines, angrily shaking them to obtain the fatty nourishment his 6'4" 225 lb. frame so badly needed.
Most of the children were terrified of Tanavasa, whose temper would flare for no reason at all. Even teachers were wary of confronting Tanavasa for his most frequent and disturbing infraction; Dropping his pants and taking a monster dump in his chair.
Dan, however, would take Maa under his wing. Under Dan's tutelage he helped to raise Maa's grades to a D average. Furthermore, his behavior was markedly improved. Now, Maa would raise his hand and politely ask for permission before taking a dump in his chair. Most importantly, Dan would teach him the secret art of the fart.
Dan now had his first member of Samoan Power.
Today's Samoan Power:"Hey asshole! You wanna get blown away?" An irate Ted Washington, spreading his butt cheeks in preparation to blow away "diet expert" Richard Simmons.
Today, Samoan Power flourishes in communities across America. While membership is small, Samoan Power contains an elite group of individuals from all walks of life and of all colors, races and creeds. While most members are predominately athletes, many members can be found in the highest strata of world renowned fields. Lucciono Pavoratti, Dom Delouisse and the singer Meatloaf are just a few of Samoan Power's out of sports members.
Samoan Power has also evolved from a social club into a powerful business. Samoan Power Inc. was first conceived in late 1997 as a used plumbing parts supplier. A year later they would expand as a power utility. Samoan Power Gas and Electric provides power to the Kansas City metropolitan area and is run purely off methane gas produced by local Samoan Power members.
In 2003, the company further expanded into the food service industry. 'Steven Paul Johnson's Chedder Cheese and Prune Juice Energy Drink (tm)' was brought out in several U.S. markets for the express purpose of "Giving you the energy you need to light up a good fart." The product has since been a cash cow for Samoan Power Inc.
With local chapters in most U.S. markets, Samoan Power has become part of the cultural lexicon of the United States of America. To solidify the cultural significance of the group the WB network this year rolled out Late Night with Dan Saleaumua, a nightly variety show featuring eating contests, interviews with plumbers and the musical stylings of the Late Night with Dan Saleaumua band GWAR.
Samoan Power, much like it's members, continues to grow at an almost alarming pace. One can only wonder not if, but when the first Samoan Power candidate will run for political office. We will keep you faithfully posted.
