Samoan Power

2009-07-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

Samoan Power Fat Fuck of the Week: The Fat Guy from The Office!

Yes, Fat Guy from the Office, you are indeed fat which qualifies you for this award, but you do so much more.

For instance, you eat a lot which is pretty awesome. You also apparently take some pretty righteous dumps according to the show. Mainly, though, you are a fat fuck who is an inspiration to all. That is why you are the Samoan Power Fat Fuck of the Week!

2008-04-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

This is a digital rendering of the brand new Samoan Power headquarters to be built in Independence, MO by world renowned architecture firm Butts, Smell and Cheeks. This headquarters will be a 100,000 square foot, toilet shaped monstrosity and will accommodate elite Samoan Power members during annual Samoan Power conventions. It will also serve as the summer home of President Dan Saleaumua. The new headquarters is slated to begin construction late 2008 and will take approximately 300 tons of porcelain to construct.

2007-02-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

Takeru Kobayashi, pictured right, is poised to take a bite out of a steaming pile of shit left for him by Samoan Power hall of fame inductee Eric "Butterbean" Esch.

Kobayashi has been on the Samoan Power hit list since 2001 when he shocked the world by winning the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

The contest has been a mainstay for Samoan Power elites for many years. Kobayashi's arrogence in defeating Samoan Power for six straight years has been deemed intolerable by President Saleaumua. Any and all means should be used to end Takeru Kobayashi's unjust reign over competitive eating.

2007-02-03T18:32:00.000-08:00

All praise Saleaumua, for in his infinite wisdom he, in conjunction with Hardees CEO Dom DeLuise, has created a new fatty concoction.

Behold the almighty power of The Monster Biscuit.

"This biscuit isn't fucking around. It'll bring a house of pain," says Hardees CEO Dom DeLuise.

At 790 calories, 57 grams of fat, 275 milligrams of cholesterol and 2300 milligrams of sodium this breakfast sandwich is an artery clogging delight.

"The Monster Biscuit from Hardees basically bends the McGriddle over and puts it in its butt," says former Kansas City Chiefs defensive lineman and current Hardees grill cook Junior Siavii.

"I cannot begin to emphasize how important it is that non-Samoan Power elites be very cautious when taking on this breakfast biscuit. It's one thing for a novice to take on a Monster Thickburger. When it's early in the morning, the average citizen can't begin to fathom the power of this thing," says Samoan Power President Dan Saleaumua.

President Saleaumua went on to stress that no Samoan Power member should attempt to eat one of these alone but always have a buddy on hand. Further, it's important to keep near a toilet during and after consumption in case a butt rocket should come flying loose.

2007-01-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

A Brief History of Samoan Power

A statement of Samoan Power values:
"Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do..." Steven P. Johnson, junior member of Samoan Power, upon the question of boning a fat chick.

I believe the great Dan Saleaumua, elder statesman and creator of Samoan Power, best summed up the values of his organization while delivering the 1997 commencement address at Harvard University.

"Samoan Power say: Eat Monster Thickburger. Chug cottage cheese. Take huge dump."

These words, now emblazoned upon the school crest, are the core of the philosophy behind Samoan Power.

Samoan Power is dedicated to pushing the utter limits of both the human soul and the human waistline. Every day is a new opportunity to excel in all the all important things in life: Eating, taking huge dumps and farting so violently that persons and objects are literally 'blown away'... Nothing is impossible when one sets his mind, spirit and ass to it.

Upon the origins of Samoan Power:
"Saleaumua giveth and Saleaumua taketh away... But he mostly taketh away." Dave Krieg, former Seattle Seahawks quarterback and moist grease spot after a particularly nasty Saleaumua sack.

Samoan Power, as an organization, was born with it's founder, Dan Saleaumua, on November 11, 1964. From an early age, Dan knew that he was unlike most other boys. By the age of 3 he weighed 157 lbs. and could run a 40 yard dash in under 5 seconds. While his proud parents knew that Dan was destined for great things, many of the neighborhood children were wary of this man child lurking in their mists.

They feared not only his girth and amazing athletic prowess, but also his ability to literally blow objects away. Through practice and training the young Saleaumua honed his skills to such a degree that he could evaporate most anything at his will.

Dan, though, would quickly win his peers hearts and minds. His main asset in winning friends was his love of a good prank. He would fondly remember the occasions when his kindergarten teacher, Ms. Thisly, a "bony bitch of a waif," would bend over to pick up a piece of chalk. Young Saleaumua, much to the amusement of the class, would proceed to fart as audibly as possible.
When Ms. Thisly confronted young Dan on this grievous infraction he did the only thing he knew how to do; He blew her away. This event would make him a hero amongst his peers.

The First Member:
"[Silence, heavy breathing]" Maa Tanavasa, chief enforcer of Samoan Power

Dan was very popular throughout school, being a jovial fat son of a bitch. He would befriend most everyone he met. The few enemies he did have managed to oddly disappear much to the chagrin of school administrators, the local police department and the FBI.

There was one boy, however, that Dan had yet to reach out to. Three grades below Dan, a boy named Maa Tanavasa was sullenly making his way through school. Maa was a quiet child who spent his time and energies towards the only fields he excelled at: Recess and lunch. Maa could frequently be found near the snack machines, angrily shaking them to obtain the fatty nourishment his 6'4" 225 lb. frame so badly needed.

Most of the children were terrified of Tanavasa, whose temper would flare for no reason at all. Even teachers were wary of confronting Tanavasa for his most frequent and disturbing infraction; Dropping his pants and taking a monster dump in his chair.

Dan, however, would take Maa under his wing. Under Dan's tutelage he helped to raise Maa's grades to a D average. Furthermore, his behavior was markedly improved. Now, Maa would raise his hand and politely ask for permission before taking a dump in his chair. Most importantly, Dan would teach him the secret art of the fart.

Dan now had his first member of Samoan Power.

Today's Samoan Power:
"Hey asshole! You wanna get blown away?" An irate Ted Washington, spreading his butt cheeks in preparation to blow away "diet expert" Richard Simmons.

Today, Samoan Power flourishes in communities across America. While membership is small, Samoan Power contains an elite group of individuals from all walks of life and of all colors, races and creeds. While most members are predominately athletes, many members can be found in the highest strata of world renowned fields. Lucciono Pavoratti, Dom Delouisse and the singer Meatloaf are just a few of Samoan Power's out of sports members.

Samoan Power has also evolved from a social club into a powerful business. Samoan Power Inc. was first conceived in late 1997 as a used plumbing parts supplier. A year later they would expand as a power utility. Samoan Power Gas and Electric provides power to the Kansas City metropolitan area and is run purely off methane gas produced by local Samoan Power members.

In 2003, the company further expanded into the food service industry. 'Steven Paul Johnson's Chedder Cheese and Prune Juice Energy Drink (tm)' was brought out in several U.S. markets for the express purpose of "Giving you the energy you need to light up a good fart." The product has since been a cash cow for Samoan Power Inc.

With local chapters in most U.S. markets, Samoan Power has become part of the cultural lexicon of the United States of America. To solidify the cultural significance of the group the WB network this year rolled out Late Night with Dan Saleaumua, a nightly variety show featuring eating contests, interviews with plumbers and the musical stylings of the Late Night with Dan Saleaumua band GWAR.

Samoan Power, much like it's members, continues to grow at an almost alarming pace. One can only wonder not if, but when the first Samoan Power candidate will run for political office. We will keep you faithfully posted.

2007-01-26T11:55:00.000-08:00

Due to the easy accessibility of high fat, high cholesterol fast food products such as The Monster Thickburger, The Crave Case and The Grande Meal, it has come to the United Nations Security Council's attention that the proliferation of Weapons of Ass Destruction (WAD) could become the largest threat to global security in the 21st century.

Easily accessible to any Samoan Power elite member, the security council feels that weapons of ass destruction pose a threat should they come in the possession of nefarious individuals or organizations such as Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig or Slim for Life. The security council has therefore authorized the creation of a subcommittee called Better United Treaty Testing on Weapons of Ass Destruction, or B.U.T.T.W.A.D. for short, to investigate the consequences of weapons of ass destruction ending up in the wrong poop stained hands.

In the meantime, it is advised that all fast food employees verify Samoan Power membership before the sale of any foods pertaining to weapons of ass destruction. Those who fail to comply with these new standards will be forced to answer to B.U.T.T.W.A.D. security commander Maa Tanuvasa.

2007-01-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

State of the Samoan Power Union

(Camera on Dan Saleaumua, CEO and President of Samoan Power.)

Ladies and gentleman, I thank you for coming here tonight, inside the hallowed halls of Samoan Power headquarters located inside the Hardees in Oak Grove, MO. (Applause.)

Our union has been made more perfect thanks, in part, to the union of meat, cheese and vegetable oil that Hardees continues to provide us every day. (Thunderous applause.)

I bring to you today a report of how we have grown, both as a nation and in the waistline. (Applause.)

With the help of you, the Samoan Power elite in this room, as well as the Samoan Power nation abroad, we can truly make this the century of The Thickburger. (Standing ovation. Audible farts.)

To date, 67 new Hardees locations have been opened in various strategic locations across the globe. Hardees CEO Dom Dellouise promises more grand openings in the coming year. (Applause. Camera pans to Dom eating a jumbo turkey leg with grease running down his chins.)

Thanks to the courage of Samoan Power elite Gilbert Brown, the battle against toilet abuse grows in strength everyday. "Asses Without Paper", his campaign to bring quadruple ply toilet paper to those most in need, has been nothing short of an unmitigated success. (Applause. Camera cuts to Gilbert Brown sitting in a booth in only a pair of stained tighty whities, smiling graciously.)

I'd also like to report that Samoan Power Inc. has continued to make gains in all the major utilities markets. Samoan Power Inc. has become the number one provider of natural gas to the North American continent. (Various, rumbling farts.)

Due to the efforts of such junior members as Senator Steven Q. Johnson, all Samoan Power Inc. power flush toilets are equipped to capture all methane gases emitted during bowel movements. (Yelling. Farts so loud the camera is visibly shaking.)

In conclusion, 2006 was a banner year for Samoan Power. Let us continue to spread Samoan Power as we would spread our butt cheeks before taking a fat dump. (Standing ovation. Dan lifts his arms in victory, exposing pit stains. Various Samoan Power elites walk up to offer both their congratulations on a job well done as well as a Thickburger to their hallowed leader.)

2007-01-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

WebMD Article: Heat Rash

Heat rash is indeed a common affliction for many a Samoan Power member. Consider that heat rash is brought on by weighing 350 lbs. or more and profusely sweating due to such physically demanding activities as sitting, eating and banging broads in the poop-shoot. Such rashes generally occur in areas of skin which come into direct rubbing contact with others. These areas include thighs, armpits, the Taint (also known under its proper medical name "The Gooch") and any fat or jiggling jelly rolls.

Treatment for heat rash includes staying cool during the summer months. Many Samoan Power elites choose to simply stay indoors for months at a time with the thermostat set to 45 degrees. Another way to stay cool is to eat an all ice cream diet.

A preventive measure for those forced to travel outside underneath the hot sun is to coat the affected areas in baby powder. A couple of poofs of baby powder up your ass will go a long way to keeping you heat rash free this coming summer.

If you happen to run out of baby powder a glob of Crisco will work wonders. Just coat it on the affected areas liberally. The Crisco not only reduces friction but also makes a delicious midday snack.

2007-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

WebMD submission: Mud Butt

Mud Butt could be one of the most dreaded diseases known to Samoan Power. For the elite Samoan Power member whose diet consists of cheese, meat and vegetable oil, Mud Butt is a common affliction.

Mud Butt occurs when fecal matter becomes either sponge-like or spackle-like in consitency. This leads to an inability to push all the soft-serve out of your ass crack.

Symptoms of Mud Butt may include: A prolific use of toilet paper, a constant smell of feces emanating from the butt crack, dingle-berries and skid marks. Mud Butt, if left untreated, can lead to viral infections, depression and a sky rocketing financial burden thanks to constant toilet paper purchasing.

While many treatments have been used in the past for Mud Butt, including most famously the "Butt Tampon", a wad of tightly rolled TP that is pushed into the butt crack, there is currently only one mode of treatment known to be 100% effective. Most doctors agree that a hot shower is the only known cure for Mud Butt. If you are unable to shower when Mud Butt strikes, a temporary solution is to wet a paper towel and go to town on your asshole.

2007-01-09T21:50:00.000-08:00

Samoan Power tip of the day: The Catcher's Mitt

There is nothing more irratating than dropping your drawers, squatting down and firing one out only to have toilet water splash back onto your anus. The "Hillbilly Bidet" is nothing a member of Samoan Power should have to endure. That's why I'm here to offer this helpful piece of advice.

The next time you're about to give birth to a big brown butt baby, take the time to pull off a few squares of toilet paper and deposit them in the toilet. When the kid hits the pool, the impact will be cushioned by the TP. This manuever, known as the "Catcher's Mitt", eliminates the much dreaded splash back and leads to a more peaceful experience while taking a massive dump.

2007-01-01T16:30:00.000-08:00

Hardee's Karl

This commercial from the early 90's probably wouldn't make it on todays television thanks to Spike Lee and people of his ilk. I mean, I don't see anything racist about this.

2007-01-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

An extract from www.wikipedia.com submission on "History of the Island of American Samoa"...

Origins of the Samoan Race

Some historians believe that the first Polynesians to arrive in the Pacific came from Southern Taiwan. These historians are morons. The first people to inhabit the Samoan islands were the Crustacious Turd People. The Crustacious Turd People, or CTP, first plopped out of the ocean and onto the beautiful shores of Samoa sometime around 2000 B.C. Fossil records indicate that these Crustacious Turd People were humanoid creatures who inhabited the briny depths of the island shelf. What drove them out of the water is indeed a mystery with few clues. Recently, a theory has formed thanks to deep ocean floor core samples that show toxic levels of fecal matter, leading some scientists to believe that the Crustacious Turd People literally shit themselves out of their environment.

Over time, the CTP’s learned to stand upright, play football and generally dominate any living creature on land. The gradual change from water to land was aided mightily by the CTP’s primary means of transportation. Under water, the CTP would issue a large volume of toxic gases from it’s anus in order to form a crude but effective jet propulsion system. On land the Samoans were far too heavy to be propelled by these flatulent emissions, however they were quite capable reeking havoc on the local environment by lifting a big brown butt cheek and letting loose a rank fart...

2006-12-30T19:40:00.000-08:00

Hardee's Monster Thickburger

The history of the Thickburger.

2006-12-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

This Week with the General

It’s Christmas, that lovely time of year when some jolly fat fuck comes capering down your god damned chimney dressed like some Pauly Pinko prickjob. He leaves some shitty sweatshop presents underneath your needle farm of a tree, clogs up your toilet with a big brown ‘Yule log’ and eats all your god damned double stuffed Oreo cookies. Then he sneaks into your bedroom like some jibbering mongoloid and politely asks if you’d like to double stuff your wife with him.

I fuckin hate Christmas.

The Jews, they got a better idea. Some fruity candles and dradles and shit. Fuck, I don’t know what they celebrate. And just what the fuck is fruitcake, anyway?

All I know is this year I’m ready for that fat fuck to make his way down my chimney. I’ve got two barrels of Christmas cheer waiting for that bloated pus bag. Thank God all the mini-marts are owned by poonjabs. I’m just about out of double malt scotch and the Wal-Mart’s closed.

Happy holidays and suck my fat cock.

The General

Bobby Knight, better known as “The General”, is the current head coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Mr. Knight is on pace to shatter Dean Smith’s all time victory… Dear God. He has me locked in his cellar. You’ve got to help me. I haven’t eaten in days and I think he’s going to harvest my skin… Oh God, he’s coming in. I think he’s got the garden hose with him…

2006-12-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

Here’s Pisa Shitoa, the 673-pound banjo strumming Samoan sensation, performing live at the Steven Paul Johnson Center for Fine Farts located in the Hardee’s restroom in Oak Grove, Missouri. He played many of his hits, including “Mud Butt Blues”, “I’ve Got Bacon in my Heart”, and “I Can’t Find my Dick (Must be the Cottage Cheese)”. Shitoa, a reputed ladies man, was seen after the show shoving Lindsey Lohan and Nicole Richie up his gargantuan brown butt cheeks.

“I tried to butt fuck them but I didn’t have any butter,” said a sweaty, discombobulated Shitoa. When asked if the butter was to be used as a lubricant, Shitoa muttered something about being “the worst George Foreman impersonator this side of Leon Spinks.” The remark was unconfirmed, however, due to an disgusting, greasy fart from Shitoa at the time. The result of the flatulent emmision was a fecal stained arm of some vapid slut protruding from his rectum.

Shitoa can be seen in the upcoming VH1 mini documentary “One Ton Wonders” and will also be guest staring on “E.R.” as “Enormous Blob Monster # 2”.

2006-12-11T20:08:00.000-08:00

Ode to a Fat Fuck

by Stephen Q Johnson, Senator at Large

Oh, you ficticious, fat fuck;
You monster;
You sick creature of weight,
Of great,
Of great girth, from birth, from eating and heavy breathing and monster,
Monster,
Burgers.

Oh, they are thick, you fat fuck,
They are thick.
Beef and pork and eggs and sausage and more eggs and salmon and toasted gravy,
Buttermilk pancakes with hot syrup and tens of thousands of jellys.

You are a beautiful monster, you sick ogre,
with sick odor.
Filthy fuck, how I love your cholesterol and clogged arteries and tulmultuous sweat;
Fat Fuck, you make me want to be a better Samoan,
Which
Is
The
Highest
Praise
Of

All.

2006-12-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

Fat Fuck of the Week: Buzzington "Bowser Butt" Honeycomb
Novmember 28-December 4

Sure, Kobayashi is a hallowed member of Samoan Power, ten times over, but his accomplishments pale in comparison to Buzzington "Bowser Butt" Honeycomb, a Sacramento, California taxadermy appraiser who spends his spare time demolishing the competition, along with buckets upon buckets of hot wings, at "Buffalo Bowls." Buffalo Bowls, to the uninformed, are buffalo wing eating competitions in which the last blob standing, or, leaning against a deep fryer and breathing heavily, wins one year's supply of Hungry Man dinners, along with a date at the nearest Golden Coral with the female PBA bowler of his or her choice. Buzzington has won the last seventeen bowls straight, uncontested, and, nearly unmolested.

Last week, at Buffalo Bowl XVII, Honeycomb blew all comers and goers away by devouring eighty-seven wings and fifteen napkins in four minutes flat, needing only one refill of prune juice. Second place finisher Calvin Cooterpooch, after his thirteenth wing, threw up his liver and shit four ribs. Honeycomb shit six ribs himself, with one key difference--he never stopped eating.

Samoan Power congratulates Honeycomb on his fertile accomplishments, and wishes him nothing but success as he plants the seeds of flatulence throughout Northern California. Godspeed, you unfathomable combination of flesh, fat, and festive squirts. Godspeed.

2006-11-30T12:56:00.000-08:00

Fat Fuck of the Week: Grimace
November 20-27

Carved in the craven image of Ray Kroc, Grimace has been keeping this nation fat and festive since the 1970s, guarding Big Macs to make sure that Goddamn asshole the Hamburgler doesn't burgle that ham from an innocent tub of lard. Although Ronald McDonald may be the brains behind the operation, Grimace is the muscle, a trait Samoan Power Inc. honors.

This week, Grimace entered a new realm of junk food surveilence--He became a bounty hunter. Those who dine and dash, swiping delicious quarter pounds of uncooked meat and greasy potato residue away from the mouths of the humongous and gargantuan, now have a new man/woman/thing to fear, and its name is Grimace. If you steal from a fast food joint other than McDonalds, don't feel safe, because the Grimace will find you. Just this last Tuesday, NFL punters Todd Saurbrun and Micah Knorr stole a whopper from a napping Ted Washington, exhausted after an especially elongated dump. Though the burger was a McDonalds rival, Grimace still pursued the case, and brought those perpretrators to justice, blowing both culprits away. He even blew the steroids right out of Saurbrun, and the incompetence right out of Knorr.

Grimace, we at Samoan Power support anything and everything you do to ensure fat fucks across the world can feel safe ordering a burger, and not having to worry that some skinny turd is going to steal it away while you wait in line, sweating, sweating, forever, profusely sweating.

2006-11-23T23:03:00.000-08:00

The Monster Thickburger - Second in Voting

Two third pound all beef patties. Four slices of American cheese. Five ounces of high fat mayonnaise. Eight strips of extra greasy bacon. Two buttered sesame buns. 1,420 calories. 107 grams of fat.

One burger to rule them all.

All these elements go into the creation of The Monster Thickburger. But to many it takes more than these ingredients to create such a majestic burger.

"Sure, any schmuck can slap together a pile of shit and call it a burger. But to create The Monster Thickburger, now that takes a mother fucking artist," says former actor and giant pile of blubbering man-goo Dom Deluise.

Created in a joint effort by the United States government and Hardees in the 1960's as a weapon to win the cold war by immobilizing large armies through sheer sloth and massive artery blockage, The Monster Thickburger found its way out into the free market after the fall of the Berlin Wall. President Reagan was famously quoted promising the release of the burger should the Soviets fail and the world become a safe place again.

"Mr. Gorbechev, tear down this wall! Tear down this wall so we may all suck on the teet of freedom. The Monster Thickburger cannot be withheld from the God fearing people's of the free world any longer."

When asked later why he took such a hard-line stance, the former President was quoted as spluttering "ah... poopie my pants..."

Now the essential base of the Samoan Power Fat Pyramid, The Monster Thickburger continues to fill the veins of millions of Samoan Power faithful. We here at Samoan Power are honored to proclaim that The Monster Thickburger is the newest inductee into the Samoan Power hall of Fame.

2006-11-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

This Week with the General

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, you bloated prick. It’s a time for me to sit back with a glass of goat’s blood, a box of Triscuits and my favorite Captain and Tennille record and reflect on what makes this holiday so great.

Here’s a short list of things I’ll be giving thanks for this Thanksgiving:

• Neutron bombs
• Walker: Texas Ranger
• The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: War, Pestilence, Disease and Mongo McMichael
• The Third Season of Empty Nest on DVD
• Chinese Water Torture
• Brutal Dictatorships (Joseph Stalin, Benito Mussolini, my old buddy Bill Parcels and Pol Pot to name a few of my favs)
• Fear, ignorance, greed, bigotry, racism and all the other important platforms of the Republican Party
• Beau Bridges

It’s a wonder to me that we celebrate the spilling of the blood of a millions of Indians by rending of fowl with our bare teeth, ripping into the under cooked flesh with our faces flushed from the drinking and smoking and swearing of a long day with relatives you hate. Uncle Buddy the child molester, Aunt Carol the manic depressive bitch and Grandma, the pus filled sack of holiday cheer. We all gather around to celebrate this ultimate holiday of gluttony, a culmination of everything we hate about ourselves spilling out in second and third helpings. So eat up you fat fucking twerp and give thanks to whatever keeps you going you miserable prick.

Bobby Knight, better known as “The General”, is head coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders basketball squad. When he’s not choking students and dropping games to Air Force, he can usually be found conjuring demons or playing his new Playstation 3. According to Mr. Knight, the new Nintendo Wii is “for fags.”

2006-11-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

Fat Fuck of the Week: Butter Man
November 12-19

On Tuesday, November 14, while watching Jackass 2 at his local dollar theater, Roscoe Davis noticed something was wrong with his popcorn. Something was different; something was foul; something was, in fact, afoot. His popcorn...was without butter. Pained with the pangs of pain, Davis screamed out, "Why, Lord, why?!!" and quickly darted out of his seat. Unfortunately for Mr. Davis, another problem abruptly presented itself: the 425 pound, out of work yoga instructor, was stuck in his seat. He cried out. "Hey, you stupid whore, get me out of this fucking seat!" The woman, whom Davis thought he'd oggled earlier, was actually a mirage, created by his slight dimensia, caused by the lack of butter. Davis couldn't move. Hope was rapidly leaving, rapidly exiting, until, at the very last moment, he flew into the theater: Butter Man.

"What the fuck kind of fairy are you?" Davis asked, light headed and confused. Butter Man spoke no words, but surely heard the lard's call, and poured a quarter mile of rich, creamy, stroke-inducing butter down the bulbuous man's bulbuous throat. Moans of pleasure and delight encompassed the entire theater, and the powerful aroma melted a city block's worth of buildings. Before Davis could mumble a thank you between swallows, Butter Man was gone. "He truly is a great man, a holy man, a butter man," Davis let out, in a faint whisper, before going into cardiac arrest in his seat, and subsequently dying.

We salute you, Butter Man, for providing excellent service to those who have eaten their way out of a normal, everyday life. You give fat fucks everywhere a reason to overindulge.

2006-11-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

Nerdlinger News & Notes

Nerdlinger is the twerpy little shit who handles the books for Saleaumua Inc. Although his size, stature, views, personality, and general way of life seem to contradict the Samoan Power way of life, his accounting skills have kept this very poorly managed, corrupt organization out of bankruptcy, and Saleaumua himself, a crime don in over 17 countries, out of jail with only a paper clip and a sub-standard protractor. Because of this, Nerdlinger has been awarded his own column, in which he talks about whatever enters his puny, puny mind.

Hello, guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys! You musn't fear, for Nerdlinger is here!

As I was enjoying my favorite midnight snack, bananas dipped in cottage cheese, when I had what is commonly known as a "notion." Som I decided to put that "notion" into "motion" and post it on Samoan Power. Samoan Power! Hopefully, one day they'll let me join. I am 90 pounds of cholesterol, "blowing" people away left and right with my flatulence. Goodnight, sir and madam! But that's neither here nor there, nor... underwear. Hee hee! I made a swear!

What if we had a fat man of the week? It would be a weekly award, rewarding the largest and greatest Samoan Power member of that time. The winner would get highlighted on this webpage, and sent a 17 pound funnel cake coated in butter scotch. In order to further reward our outstanding members, and incite others to join in the debauchery and moral interpitudity, we must expand, my friends. It would be grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat publicity, and let more people know about all that which is Samoan Power.

Hold on, gang. I have to take a dumperino...

There we go. I just gave birth to a ten-pound baby boy. His name is Francis, and he starts culinary school in the fall. No more ketchup sandwiches for this doting dad! Now, some blurbs and musings:

~I just saw an advanced screening for "Tony Danza and a Lovable Duck," formerly known as "Lit Up Like a Cheap Fart." Not impressed, gang. It's true, ladies and germs do get blown away, but it's a bit much, don't you think? All the gases were obviously concocted by fog machines, the cheddar cheese and prune juice were obviously just margerine substitutes and V-8, and Tony Danza was obviously animated by CGI. When will those bozos in Hollyweird learn their lessons and stop cutting corners? They are trimming the fat, and we, the moviegoing public, are hungry. My tummy is rumbling. Am I alone?

~The third season of Caroline in the City is finally out on DVD!!! Who has two thumbs and is a proud owner of the four finest discs in situation comedy history? This gentleman currently typing.

~While purchasing Lea Thompson's tour-de-force, I also managed to pick up two Playstation 3s. for $16,000. Needless to say, I now own all of the country's PS3s. Who wants to be my friend?

~The Raiders? More like the Gay-tors! Try to survive on land for an extended period of time, you reptilian pieces of turd for brains!

~I am so horn doggy right now, I could hug a bare-breasted Turtle Wax model and say, "My, your breasts feel lovely, and your company Turtle Wax has exhuisite revenue sharing."

~The Republican party just got beat, and their faces are... beat red. Take that, wounded establishment! Anarchy! @

Sadly, friends, I must depart. Good luck to you all on future endeavors, and may the Dark Prince swallow a toothpick while eating the club sandwich of a doomed Adonis' lost soul. Nerdlinger is out.

2006-11-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

Cooking with Gilbert

Lard Cookies

Ingredients:1 Can of Lard

Instructions:Take lard and shape into cookies. Eat. Enjoy.

2006-11-13T20:41:00.000-08:00

The time has come. After years and years of public outcry, the prayers of thousands of roller boys from across your planet and mine have been answered. Teen Wolf 3, starring the fat kid from Teen Wolf, will be released in select cities on Christmas day, 2007. Director Uwe Boll and writer George A Romero had been in talks with producers Cokehead McProteinstain and Morty Crackedjewegg for going on ten years now, but it wasn't until late last week that fat kid finally accepted a three-picture deal worth roughly 10,000 White Castle Crave Cases. Fat Kid himself was unavailable for comment, due to prior commitments with a six-pack of steak 'ems, but his agent, Skinny Kid from Road Trip, did release a statement:

"We are all very pleased with 20th Century Farts gracious and glorious bounty of cholesterol. Fat Kid from Teen Wolf will surely rest in pieces of chicken rings."

The skinny kid then jumped inside the vagina of that fat chick he nailed in Road Trip, and sped away, not unlike Krang from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and that giant robot he would rest inside, except she didn't look like a giant, retarded Buntsen from the Muppets.

In the new film series, Fat Kid will become a teen wolf who must win a four-square competition in order to save an orphanage from being taken over by an evil billionare, played by Michael Madsen. The film is likely great Oscar bait for 20th Century Farts, in the categories of "Greatest Performance by a Tub," "Most Astounding Dutch Oven," and Boner from Growing Pains, in a cameo as a caveman who travels forward in time to save Fat Kid from the planet Pluto crashing into Earth after a nuclear holocaust in the year 2224, will surely win an Academy Award for "Most Nonsensical Achievement Both Inside and Outside of Film, Like, Ever."

Gwar is pegged to score the film, and shooting will take place early next month at a Cedar Rapids Golden Coral. Uwe Boll has already pledged to box every actor who refuses to eat their body weight daily on the set. Teen Wolf 3: The Pillsbury Wolf Boy, will be rated PG-13, for excessive gorging, massive flatulance, gratuitious cornholing, and intense head-explosions... like the guy in Scanners.

2006-11-13T20:37:00.000-08:00

A Samoan saying and way of life: Beyond the limit of our bowels, we are all a part of the eternal whirl.

2006-11-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

...the Samoans, are amongst the world's most mesomorphic (muscular) body types. A number of studies have shown that muscle bulk and the degree of muscularity, especially in THIGH and BUTTOCK, are important predicators of success in rugby players and porcelain patrons, whereas the opposite applies in such sports as distance running. This genetic admixture helps in part explain why athletes from this region are large, agile, fast and gas.”

2006-11-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

Gilbert Brown - 7th place in voting
Inductee to the Samoan Power hall of fame

Gilbert Brown was known in professional football as "The Grave Digger". In Samoan Power, he is best known as "The Latrine Digger" for his endless campaign to stop toilet abuse.

"It has always been my philosophy that the toilet is indeed a holy throne upon which the ass sits in honorable majesty, viewing it's scatological creations with dignity and pride."

Gilbert's charitable causes are many: Toilet Seats for the Homeless, The Make a Dish Foundation and Brown Eye for the Skinny Guy are all institutions created by Gilbert with the goal of spreading goodwill and cheer amongst sorry fucks across the globe. His most important charity, "Asses Without Paper", is charged with donating quadruple ply toilet paper to those most in need.

For his ceaseless campaign to make the restroom a better place to live, we at Samoan Power are pleased to present Gilbert Brown as an inductee into the Samoan Power Hall of Fame.

2006-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

Maa Tanuvasa - 8th Place in voting
Inductee to the Samoan Power hall of fame

Maa Tanuvasa, a two-time Super Bowl winner, is best known for his work as enforcer of Samoan Power. Tireless, vengeful and forever ready to destroy his enemies, Tanuvasa has done more to ensure the security of Samoan Power than any other man alive.

To be blunt, Maa has been inducted into the Samoan Power hall of fame purely through a campaign based upon threats of violence towards voters during the balloting process. Many voters have reported finding enormous 20 lbs. turds in their toilets when coming home, despite no signs of forced entry. One voter, quivering with terror, claimed that Tanuvasa "Ruined my fucking life. Thanks Maa, for eating my house, shitting on my wife and blowing away everything I know and love".

Samoan Power is proud to induct Maa Tanuvasa to the Samoan Power hall of Fame and further hopes that Maa's campaign of terror will, at least temporarily, come to a conclusion.

2006-11-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

Andre the Giant - 9th place in voting
Inductee to the Samoan Power hall of fame

Andre the Giant (His birth name Felix Flabberfuck) will always be remembered and honored for his incredible size. Samoan Power wishes to honor him for his incredible, insatiable appetite. A typical breakfast for Andre would consist of a dozen eggs, two pounds of bacon, an entire roll of sausage, ten pancakes, a half gallon of cottage cheese, a 12 oz. porter house steak, three lbs. of fried potatoes, an live yak and an entire bottle of Karo syrup.

This morning ritual would be considered even more astounding considering that his servants would not only present this meal to him while still asleep, but were specifically instructed to force feed the meal while he peacefully dozed.

Presenting this award posthumously to his former girlfriend, the 328 pound beauty Lacy Lulu, a girl whose enormous hatchet wound was reported to be the only hole wide enough to contain “The Giant”, she swelled with tears.

“Oh, I’m such a fat fuck!” she gratefully blubbered.

Samoan Power is proud to honor Andre the Giant for his achievements in all things Samoan Power.

2006-11-12T17:10:00.000-08:00

Don Vito - 10th Place in Voting
Inductee to the Samoan Power hall of fame

Don Vito, disgusting bloated blob and dedicated member of Samoan Power, was serendipitously born on a Fat Tuesday. The significance of the holiday he was born upon would not be lost. Growing up, Don was always one to aspire to great things. At the tender age of thirteen he would give voice to his ambitions in a paper his second grade teacher assigned entitled “What I Want to be when I grow up.”

“One day, I hope to grow up to be the fattest, most bloated and utterly repugnant slob to ever step foot on this continent!”

Don Vito has spent the rest of his life working towards that lofty goal. Samoan Power salutes Don Vito and his never ending quest and is proud to induct him into the Samoan Power hall of fame.

2006-11-10T22:12:00.000-08:00

The Ten Samoan Power Commandments

1) I am the lord of the lard, thy Saleaumua, who hath brought you from the land of Weight Watchers.
2) Thou shalt be a fat fuck.
3) Thou shalt not covet fruits and vegetables.
4) Thou shalt bang thy broads in thine butts.
5) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Monster Thickburgers.
6) Thou shalt not worship any false flatulence.
7) Thou who smelt it hast dealt it.
8) Eat, fart and multiply.
9) Thou shall kill skinny pricks, fitness freaks and vegans.
10) Remember the kickoff Sunday and keep it holy.

2006-11-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

You think you're a man? Then down this delicious hors deourve in 3.66 seconds, or else prepare for a nose-notched tornado that's gonna blow your titsy newt clear off, you got me pee-wee poo-pooer?

Lil' Bow-Wow Butt Bowler

2006-11-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

Fatso Frank (pictured left) goes bangity-boob bamerang with some damsel (pictured middle) of King Henry VIII's liking. She time-traveled in order to get her pooper plugged in the 21st. Ghetto Gilbert (pictured right) gives her a lookie in the nookie where he'd like to go pushie-wushie. Now that's whack, jack.

2006-11-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

Mark Mangino whinnies like an oversized Wild Russian boar begging for that cool, drippy, double-decker flabbergass fudge popsickle with just a smidgen of high-fat dairy creamer. Says the Manginadon, "Gimme [Ooh], I want it [Ah], God dammit! [Hmmph], Sleazewad [Plipity-plop pooey]." And so the whitish crud begins its long journey from rectal orifice to a crosshair bull's eye. On this particular occasion, it ultimately finds Don Rickles' left shoulder, dispering a luxuriant foam any housewife would find divine. "Hey, what and the fuck is this! What num-nut, peeter-patter pimple pop-pop jestering jackass let this no good slop plop on my new cordoroy jacket from Manzini's Fashion-A-Go-Go For Fat, Fatter and Fattest!"

2006-11-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

The Samoan Power Hall of Fame

It is my pleasure to present to you the first annual Samoan Power Hall of Fame ballot. The rules are as follows: Ballots will be emailed to prominent members in the Samoan Power community. Each voter will receive 10 votes to distribute as they see fit amongst the 83 candidates.

The top 10 vote getters will have a bust made of them on the toilet. The bust will be placed in the Samoan Power Hall of Fame located in the Hardee's restroom in Oak Grove, MO.

The 2006 Samoan Power Hall of Fame ballot:

Football
Dan Saleaumua
Gilbert Brown
Maa Tanavasa
Ted Washington
Sam Adams
Tony Siragusa
The 95 Cowboys O-Line
Willie Roaf
Jerome Bettis
Christain Okoye
C. Ironhead Heyward
Lincoln Kennedy
Mark "Mangina" Mangino
Jamie "Daisy" Dukes
Jonathon Ogden
Corey Stringer
Leonard Davis
The 1998 Vikings O-Line
S. Janikowski
The late fat Thomas Herrion
William "Refridgerator" Perry
Chester McGlockton
Troy Polamalu
Dan "Silky" Wilkinson
Warren Sapp
Chris Fuamatu Maafala
Junior Seau
Kawika Mitchell
Hloti Nata

Baseball
Mo Vaughn
Cecil Fielder
Jon Kruk
David Wells
Tony Gwyn
C.C. Sebathia
Runelvys Hernandez
Albert Belle

Basketball
Oliver Miller
S. O'Neal (Circa 2000)
Charles Barkley
Shawn Kempf
Derrick Coleman
Arthur Johnson (Freshman year)
Robert "Tractor" Traylor

Boxing, Wrestling and Fighting
Butterbean
Larry Holmes
George Foreman
David Tua
Bobb Sapp
Yokozuna
Andre the Giant
Mr. T AKA Clubber Lang
Ivan Drago
Rocky "The Rock" Maivia

Golf
Phil Mickelson AKA Lefty Micklefat
Craig Stadler AKA The Walrus
John Daly

Hollywood
Jon Candy
Chris Farley
Tom Goodman
Paul Purdhomme
Dom Deluisse
Marlon Brando (Post Apocolypse Now)
Fat Elvis
Meatloaf
Don Vito
Mr. Belvedere
Jon Belushi
Mama Cass
The Fat Boys
Rosanne Arnold
Rosie "O'Fat" O'Donnel
Ralphie May
Bhudda
Luciano Pavarotti
Orsen Wells

Politicians
Ted Kennedy
William Howard Taft
Bill Clinton
Dennis Hastert

Other
Those Two Fat Guys Riding Those Really Small Mopeds
Chuck Norris
The Monster Thickburger

2006-11-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

This Week with the General
By Bobby Knight

Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids.

Why? Because the complete lack of a moral fiber in the being of our nation's youth is slowly suffocating our spirit, that's why. Why won't these ungrateful little punks understand that they too can enjoy it all at 3.1% + Prime and a down payment of your soul (which doesn't really exist according to that twat Immanuel Kant. A bundle of nerves or a bundle of turds, you make the call). It can all be yours. The American Dream in your palm. Sure, there are certain... terms and conditions that could be considered slightly... sinister. Then again, you really don't have any problem with anal probing now, do you?

Because we have to make sure that you're one of us. Because if you're not one of us (U.S., if you catch my continental drift?) then you are one of them. And as one of them, I'm afraid your puny immigrant brain couldn't possibly comprehend the ramifications of the American way of life that has come to dominate the polluted landscape of this fine 21st century.

Do you think a Mexican who grew up in the barrio sucking on his mommies saggy wind blown titties knows the awesome power of a 3:00am Burger King run? Do you really think his scrawny immigrant innards could handle the fantastically greasy, bowel shattering, porcelain pounding power of a quadruple stacker? With a Hershey's cream pie? As an appetizer?

I thought not.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it makes me sad when I hear some latte guzzling little twerp complain about his shitty job, his miserable existence in a cramped little roach motel he calls home and his Orca of a girlfriend with a vicious addiction to nacho cheese and Dr. Phil witticisms. Whenever I see that twerp crying into his cell phone I grab him by the balls and tell him what Richard Nixon once famously said during an amphetamine binge while taking a dump off top of the Washington Monument into George McGovern's mouth: Just ride the snake baby, because we're all just passing through this life like ham sandwiches through Mama Cass.

If that doesn't steel a young man's nerve the cruel and beastly beauty of this new American century, then I don't know what will.

The General, Bobby Knight is the current head coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders, a rabid and cruel destroyer of nations and an expert in the art of microwave cookery. His weekly column, This Week With the General can be found on ESPN.com. He is to be feared by both man and beast.

2006-10-30T14:40:00.000-08:00

A Brief History of Samoan Power

A statement of Samoan Power values:

"Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do..." Steven P. Johnson, junior member of Samoan Power, upon the question of boning a fat chick.

I believe the great Dan Saleaumua, elder statesman and creator of Samoan Power, best summed up the values of his organization while delivering the 1997 commencement address at Harvard University.

"Samoan Power say: Eat Monster Thickburger. Chug cottage cheese. Take huge dump."

These words, now emblazoned upon the school crest, are the core of the philosophy behind Samoan Power.

Samoan Power is dedicated to pushing the utter limits of both the human soul and the human waistline. Every day is a new opportunity to excel in all the all important things in life: Eating, taking huge dumps and farting so violently that persons and objects are literally 'blown away'... Nothing is impossible when one sets his mind, spirit and ass to it.

Upon the origins of Samoan Power:

"Saleaumua giveth and Saleaumua taketh away... But he mostly taketh away." Dave Krieg, former Seattle Seahawks quarterback and moist grease spot after a particularly nasty Saleaumua sack.

Samoan Power, as an organization, was born with it's founder, Dan Saleaumua, on November 11, 1964. From an early age, Dan knew that he was unlike most other boys. By the age of 3 he weighed 157 lbs. and could run a 40 yard dash in under 5 seconds. While his proud parents knew that Dan was destined for great things, many of the neighborhood children were wary of this man child lurking in their mists.

They feared not only his girth and amazing athletic prowess, but also his ability to literally blow objects away. Through practice and training the young Saleaumua honed his skills to such a degree that he could evaporate most anything at his will.

Dan, though, would quickly win his peers hearts and minds. His main asset in winning friends was his love of a good prank. He would fondly remember the occasions when his kindergarten teacher, Ms. Thisly, a "bony bitch of a waif," would bend over to pick up a piece of chalk. Young Saleaumua, much to the amusement of the class, would proceed to fart as audibly as possible.

When Ms. Thisly confronted young Dan on this grievous infraction he did the only thing he knew how to do; He blew her away. This event would make him a hero amongst his peers.

The First Member:

"[Silence, heavy breathing]" Maa Tanavasa, chief enforcer of Samoan Power

Dan was very popular throughout school, being a jovial fat son of a bitch. He would befriend most everyone he met. The few enemies he did have managed to oddly disappear much to the chagrin of school administrators, the local police department and the FBI.

There was one boy, however, that Dan had yet to reach out to. Three grades below Dan, a boy named Maa Tanavasa was sullenly making his way through school. Maa was a quiet child who spent his time and energies towards the only fields he excelled at: Recess and lunch. Maa could frequently be found near the snack machines, angrily shaking them to obtain the fatty nourishment his 6'4" 225 lb. frame so badly needed.

Most of the children were terrified of Tanavasa, whose temper would flare for no reason at all. Even teachers were wary of confronting Tanavasa for his most frequent and disturbing infraction; Dropping his pants and taking a monster dump in his chair.

Dan, however, would take Maa under his wing. Under Dan's tutelage he helped to raise Maa's grades to a D average. Furthermore, his behavior was markedly improved. Now, Maa would raise his hand and politely ask for permission before taking a dump in his chair. Most importantly, Dan would teach him the secret art of the fart.

Dan now had his first member of Samoan Power.

Today's Samoan Power:

"Hey asshole! You wanna get blown away?" An irate Ted Washington, spreading his butt cheeks in preparation to blow away "diet expert" Richard Simmons.

Today, Samoan Power flourishes in communities across America. While membership is small, Samoan Power contains an elite group of individuals from all walks of life and of all colors, races and creeds. While most members are predominately athletes, many members can be found in the highest strata of world renowned fields. Lucciono Pavoratti, Dom Delouisse and the singer Meatloaf are just a few of Samoan Power's out of sports members.

Samoan Power has also evolved from a social club into a powerful business. Samoan Power Inc. was first conceived in late 1997 as a used plumbing parts supplier. A year later they would expand as a power utility. Samoan Power Gas and Electric provides power to the Kansas City metropolitan area and is run purely off methane gas produced by local Samoan Power members. In 2003, the company further expanded into the food service industry. 'Steven Paul Johnson's Chedder Cheese and Prune Juice Energy Drink (tm)' was brought out in several U.S. markets for the express purpose of "Giving you the energy you need to light up a good fart." The product has since been a cash cow for Samoan Power Inc.

With local chapters in most U.S. markets, Samoan Power has become part of the cultural lexicon of the United States of America. To solidify the cultural significance of the group the WB network this year rolled out Late Night with Dan Saleaumua, a nightly variety show featuring eating contests, interviews with plumbers and the musical stylings of the Late Night with Dan Saleaumua band GWAR.

Samoan Power, much like it's members, continues to grow at an almost alarming pace. One can only wonder not if, but when the first Samoan Power candidate will run for political office. We will keep you faithfully posted.

2006-10-30T13:53:00.000-08:00

Today's recipe courtesy of Gilbert Brown.

The Samoan Power Fatburger:

List of ingredients:
1 lb Angus ground beef
1 stick of butter
1/2 lb chocolate fudge
1/2 lb shredded Cheddar cheese
Dollop whipped cream
Spirt of maple syrup

Take a pound of ground Angus beef and deep fry it in a vat of butter. Then smother it in three layers of chocolate fudge and top it of with a half pound of shredded cheddar cheese and whipped cream. Serve on two crispy cream jelly donuts and add a spirt of maple syrup.